


Vampire Heaven

by orphan_account



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-05
Updated: 2011-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-17 15:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/178284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn't take Damon long to figure out that Vampire Heaven sucks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampire Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Ellen Smithee for the beta.

_But there's got to be more to death than surfing all the time_  
~ Dar Williams, Alleluia

 

It doesn't take Damon long to figure out that Vampire Heaven sucks. It's really Vampire Hell, he thinks. It has to be. He was prepared for _hell_ Hell, with the burning and the screaming and the pitchforks and the rivers of blood. That all sounded good to him. If there really was an afterlife out there, he decided long ago, he was going to show up in a blaze of glory. How could he not with the body count he'd racked up during his undead days?

This is how, apparently. This... place. This deliriously pretty, impossibly cheerful place.

The floor, the fucking _floor_ , is made of clouds. Fluffy white pillowy clouds. Everything is made of those damn clouds. And if you try to tear them apart? Silver linings. If there's a God, he's got a sense of irony. Staked by a werewolf and shot off to a place lined with the stuff that couldn't kill one in the first place.

You can bounce on the clouds. Katherine bounces on them. All the damn time. She bounces on the clouds and wiggles her cute little evil ass, and says things like, "You can't possibly spend eternity here without fucking me, Damon. You might as well get it over with. She looks just like me and she's fucking Stefan, after all. Maybe forever, if she lets him turn her."

He would have already given in if he wasn't so sure that a good, hard hate fuck here would turn into something romantic and flowery and _disgusting_. And he knows where that road leads when it comes to Katherine.

But she's not even the worst of it.

Elijah. _He's_ the worst of it. He's on an indefinite day pass or something because Damon knows that Stefan is going to be far too distracted screwing Elena and making babies with Elena and trying to talk Elena into letting him turn her to remember that the blade has to stay _in_. It will come out eventually. Again. And then, with any luck, Elijah will go _poof_ and disappear back into the real world, and Damon is going to fucking relish that day. Until then, the prick is stuck here, being all civil to Damon, in that creepy I'm-going-to-drive-a-stake-through-your-throat-any-minute-now kind of way.

And you can't even die again in Vampire Heaven. There's no wood, nothing sharp, nothing _hard_. Everything is made out of fluffy fucking clouds. You don't even bleed. Damon knows, because he spent what felt like days trying to dig a hole in his own arm with his nails. Nothing happened. He can open up the skin, but nothing comes out. At this point, he'll take whatever level of Hell comes next just to get to get away from here. To get away from Elijah grinning at him like he knows something Damon doesn't, to get away from Katherine and her twenty-four hour a day tease. To get away from the two of them whispering together like they're at some Cloud City super villain conference.

"Tell Lando I could go for a fucking shower and a nice glass of AB negative next time you see him," he says as he stalks off. Neither one of them gets the reference. Even his witty repartee is wasted around here.

If Rose is around here anywhere, she's got the good sense to stick around with more interesting people. Damon gets the feeling you can't choose who you spend eternity with in Vampire Heaven. He couldn't anyway. The way Katherine and Elijah keep eying him up like he's their eternal reward, their potential new favorite toy, he wonders if this wasn't _their_ choice. Fucking sociopaths. And that's coming from a guy who knows the definition of the word.

While they get to play cat and mouse with him for the indefinite future, he's stuck here with the vampires he hated most at his time of departure. Well, if he'd known that would happen, maybe he wouldn't have been so noble when he sacrificed himself for Elena. For Elena and Stefan. So they can be together in their little utopia with hardwood floors and curtains that block out the light and fucking alcohol. He misses that almost as much as he misses blood.

He misses sitting at the only decent bar in Mystic Falls and plotting mischief and rescue missions and getting drunk with Alaric. He misses having a friend, especially one with a beating heart and blood pulsing through his veins. If Alaric died, he went to People Heaven. And he's probably sitting at the bar having a drink right now. Damon bets Alaric's blood tastes like bourbon. Fuck, he'd give anything for a taste right now, even if it meant sucking down a litre of vervain at the same time.

No one bleeds here, but the cravings are a thousand times worse. It's like an under the skin itch that's going to be there forever.

Elijah's standing in front of him, grinning again. Damon shudders. He's pretty sure Elijah's been getting into his head. A lot.

"Isn't there some other undeserving soul you can haunt for all of eternity?"

"Apparently not," says Elijah. "But don't worry, you'll be rid of me soon."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, Damon, death has just sucked the wit right out of you, hasn't it?" says Katherine.

"No, you did that, you soul sucking bitch."

She shakes her head. "I wish Stefan was here," she says. "He's so much more fun."

"Stefan had the good sense to stay on earth with the woman he loves," says Elijah.

"And lucky me," says Damon, "got a stake through the heart _and_ the jackpot."

Sometimes he wonders if they're not real at all. If maybe this is his personal Vampire Hell, and that's why he's stuck with these two until the end of time.

"Be respectful, Damon. I can make your hell even worse," says Elijah.

"Worse than WHAT? This? Because right now I'm thinking a little fire and brimstone would be a welcome distraction. I'm all for a good threesome, but this one," he nods at them, "is fucked up even for me."

Elijah just smirks, a creepy, smug, arrogant smirk. Damon groans. Katherine prowls around him. Vampire Heaven sucks. Katherine is more obnoxious than Damon could ever be. Why doesn't Elijah try screwing with her for a while?

And then Elijah just disappears.

"Good job, little bro," Damon mutters under his breath. Really, how hard is it to keep the fucking blade _in_?

"Look at that," says Katherine. She whispers it breathily, over his ear. "We're all alone."

"Oh, fuck it," he says, and he turns to face her. She can't mess him up anymore than she already has. They're trapped in a padded room, for chrissake. What's the worst that can happen? She'll drive him crazy? Crazier than what, exactly?

But suddenly, they're not alone anymore.

Alaric gasps from the cloudy floor, the stake wound in his chest closing before their eyes. There's a note pinned to his jacket. Damon drops to one knee, reaches for it.

 _Damon, Now you can look, but never taste. Enjoy your eternity._

Elijah, Damon thinks. Of course.

He slaps Alaric's cheek.

"Wake up, Rick. Welcome to the shiny, happy place."

He looks up at Katherine as Alaric comes around. She's scowling. Balance of power just shifted out of her favor. Maybe she did annoy Elijah as much Damon did.

"Now this," Damon says, grinning at her as he pulls Alaric upright, "is the kind of threesome I dig."

Vampire Heaven just started to suck a little bit less.

 

[END]


End file.
